Say you'll miss me one last time, and I'll be strong. But whatever you do, please don't get me rescued...

I used to do this wonderful thing back probably about a year (on another blog) where I would post every update with a pretty picture; usually of something in Seattle because back in those days I still had the foolish notion in my head that someday I might end up there. Seems sometimes like I'll never get there. I feel like...I've got no dreams anymore. I've let myself be discouraged from the dreams I had in the past (as a result of others' criticism and my own self-criticism), and I didn't fight for them like I should have.

With my graduation around the corner, I feel like I have wasted so many opportunities. And it's not so much regret as just this huge sense of loss. All those things that teenagers are supposed to do; drive around listening to music with their friends, enjoying the open road and out nights far past sunset running around the neighborhood being idiots...drawing on each others' high tops and going to concerts; I feel like I've missed a lot of that. Maybe that's just a temporary feeling. Up until my junior year, I had some really good times that were more like that. It was hard for me to realize that things change; it was so difficult for me to accept losing those things. And I had some amazing, deeper memories my junior year, and I've had some amazing memories this year but I feel....lost. I guess it comes with the territory, this stage in my life and all that.

I'm just trying to be brave; trying to have hope. I know that life is so hard, and I'm really afraid that I won't have the fortitude to achieve my goals. But even with my insecurity, I've come to a point where I feel like I can really take it head on. I just have to take a deep breath and, as Luke said, " I don't know. You spend a lot of time debating things, you know, is it right, is it wrong, or should I do this, should I do that. I mean, sometimes you should just jump in and take a shot." And not to be silly, but maybe that's true. I'm really starting to feel what Adam described...that accumulative feeling. It's all experiences that shape who you are. And I'm really afraid, but I think that maybe I can do it. I think the path ahead of me will be really difficult some times; maybe even most times, but...I have this hope that is so fucked up because it's so irrational. Even if it is foolish though, I'd rather have it. I'd rather be able to have that little bit of hope. Shawshank kind of sums it up for me: Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free.

Song of the Day:

"Rescued" by Jack's Mannequin

Two to one
Static to the sound of
You and I undone
For the last time
And there this was
Hiding at the bottom
Of your swimming pool
Some September
But don't you think
I wish that I could stay
Your lips give you away...

I can hear it
A jet engine
Through the center of the storm
And I'm thinking I'd
Prefer not be rescued...

Two to none
Roads that lead away from this
I'm following myself
Just this once
And I got spun
It appears you're spun as well
It happens when you pay attention
Or this could take all year...

But when it's quiet
Does she hear me?
A jettison to the center of the storm
And I'm thinking I'd prefer not to be rescued...

And oh I can feel her
She's dying just to keep me cool
And I'm finally numb
So please don't get me rescued...

Rescued...rescued...rescued.

And it's unclear
But this may be my last song
I can tell
She's raising hell
To give to me
She got me warm
So please don't get me rescued
And oh say you'll miss me
One last time
And I'll be strong
Whatever you do
Please don't get me rescued
'Cause I'm feeling likeI might need to be near you
And I feel alright
So please don't get me rescued

To be or not to be-

Absent thee from felicity a while,
And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain

Who would've thought I'd enjoy Hamlet? I'm not usually a huge S'peare fan, but I really did enjoy Hamlet.

Cover of "Do What You Gotta Do"

Okkervil River - Do What You Gotta Do

Man, I can understand how it might be
Kind of hard to love a girl like me
I don't blame you much for wanting to be free
I just wanted you to knowI loved you better
than your own kin did
From the very start
It's my own fault for what happens to my heart
You see I've always known you'd go
But you just do what you gotta do
My wild sweet love
Though it may mean I'll never kiss your sweet lips again
Pay that no mind
Just find that dappled dream of yours
Come on back and see me when you can
Well, I know they make you sad
They make you feel so bad
They say you don't treat me like you should
Folks got ways to make you feel no good
I'd guess they've got no way to know
I've had my eyes wide open from the start
And boy, you never lied to me
And the part of you they'll never see
Is the part you've shown to me
So you just do what you gotta do
My wild sweet love
Though it may mean I'll never kiss those sweet lips again
Pay that no mindJust find that dappled dream of yours
Come on back and see me
Come on back and see me when you can

Baby, that's no way to say goodbye.

I'm not giving up, I'm makin' your love

We got Counting Crows tickets today! WOOT!

It's raining in Baltimore, baby.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=DP_XKzINFGo

God, he's my hero.

love.

I don't want you to save me

Some people spend their whole lives looking up instead of looking forward.

I've spent the sum of my life so far looking forward. Always looking forward and never looking up.

I have all these plans, but I have no dreams left.

Sometimes I think I was born a cynic. Just once, I'd like to be able to feel some hope for my future.

I don't want you to save me. What if you did, you'd succeed and then get bored and leave...I'd be back at square one, and that's such a bad place to begin.

I wish that I would hear you say goodbye

Nobody cares, especially me, but I can't help myself as I fall asleep as I turn out the lights, turn back the sheets, say goodnight and turn me on. Turn out the lights, turn back the sheets, turn me on.

Currently addicted to "Say Goodnight" by Jump, Little Children, "Something Beautiful" by Tracy Bonham, and "Miles Behind Me" by Hotel Lights.

Great stuff.

I'm starting a massive fanvid project. And trying to recuperate.

Went for a beautiful drive today. Just lovely. Spring is coming...my poor old bones can feel it. I can smell it. I can hear it. It makes me so...so very happy.

The one and only Blogspot

So, being the complete idiot I am, I decided to get a Blogspot account. I've come across the site before, and have no idea, frankly, whether I belong here or not. However, seeing as how I felt I needed exposure to some more normal (and by normal of course I mean, "less spastic") blogging and reading, I figured this was appropriate.

The reason I fear I'm out of place here is because I have no idea what the age group that uses this is. From what I can gather, a lot of older (and much wiser) people blog on here, so I feel slightly intimidated. While I do consider myself to be a (semi) intelligent person, I am after all only 17, and there is a lot in life I have yet to experience.

But we'll see how this goes. It may turn into a nice place to jot my thoughts down. It will not, however, be one of those places where you can find amazing and artistic diatribes, profound messages on the issues of the world today, or-well, anything profound (a.k.a. Little Nuggest 'O Wisdom) for that matter.

Onto my first topic. Today. I am ill. Extremely ill; the doctor says apparently it's sinusitis/bronchitis. I can say with conviction that I am not suprised in the least. Of course though, going from getting extremely sick four times a year to two times a year and now down to once is an extreme improvement. Especially because the last visit to the doctor found me diagnosed with "chronic asthmatic bronchitis". "Asthma"is an alarm word for me, as my father has always had problems with his, so I was relatively wary. The doctor was quick to calm me that time, and inform me that this just meant it worsened quickly and had a love for attacking my lungs. All I had to say in reply was, "Lovely."

I discovered I was sick yesterday morning like so: (I quote Jeremy Hotz, the great comedian) I woke up, tried to breathe and only got "puh" *or some other sound effect for a little exhaled puff of air* I stretched my limbs only to discover that they were aching. Then the chills started. And no, this isn't even the best part, no that came when I tried to lift my head off the pillow. Damn thing felt like it weighed a thousand pounds.

God was laughing at me that day. Let's just say that I was not amused.

Anyway, so I get up, I trudge off to school, proceed to complain because I feel like shit, sit through Davis' Economics class and listen to him say "basically" five thousand times, sit through an extremely interesting AP English class as we began "Hamlet" (there was actually no sarcasm intended there, that was the good part of the day), and then waddled off to Pre-Calc to suffer in the unfathomable, unimaginably agony that is mathematics. I walked out of Pre-Calc at 11:30, knocked my head into the wall and said, "Maybe it's time to go home now." I finally went home (where I should have stayed to begin with) and slept off and on for a few hours. Had chills. Felt queasy. Woke up today and went to the doctor.

Yes, it did turn into a long story. I'm on antibiotics; which, by the way, my mother informed me this morning that it's not good to take antibiotics long term because it reduces your body's natural ability to fight diseases (which I already knew, but out of courtesy [or some sort of pity] let her tell me again) When she said this, I looked at her and said, "I don't care right now. Just get me some damn medicine." (I am SO a morning person. And a sick person. I'm sure you can imagine). So after dealing with the pharmacist (and by some grand miracle not maiming or killing the man) I got the medication that will hopefully kick this infection's ass.

And there, look, it turned into an even longer story. I suppose I'm bored. I really would've rather not miss school today, as I have work in Math, a test in Economics, etc. I also missed the Prom Committee meeting, which sadly, does in fact give me some small sense of satisfaction. No, I don't get out much. How did you know?

Well, I am now seeing three of everything I look at. I guess my body's trying to tell me to drink some water and sleep. We'll see if I wake up again. Maybe I don't want to. Being sick makes life a lot shittier.