Say you'll miss me one last time, and I'll be strong. But whatever you do, please don't get me rescued...

I used to do this wonderful thing back probably about a year (on another blog) where I would post every update with a pretty picture; usually of something in Seattle because back in those days I still had the foolish notion in my head that someday I might end up there. Seems sometimes like I'll never get there. I feel like...I've got no dreams anymore. I've let myself be discouraged from the dreams I had in the past (as a result of others' criticism and my own self-criticism), and I didn't fight for them like I should have.

With my graduation around the corner, I feel like I have wasted so many opportunities. And it's not so much regret as just this huge sense of loss. All those things that teenagers are supposed to do; drive around listening to music with their friends, enjoying the open road and out nights far past sunset running around the neighborhood being idiots...drawing on each others' high tops and going to concerts; I feel like I've missed a lot of that. Maybe that's just a temporary feeling. Up until my junior year, I had some really good times that were more like that. It was hard for me to realize that things change; it was so difficult for me to accept losing those things. And I had some amazing, deeper memories my junior year, and I've had some amazing memories this year but I feel....lost. I guess it comes with the territory, this stage in my life and all that.

I'm just trying to be brave; trying to have hope. I know that life is so hard, and I'm really afraid that I won't have the fortitude to achieve my goals. But even with my insecurity, I've come to a point where I feel like I can really take it head on. I just have to take a deep breath and, as Luke said, " I don't know. You spend a lot of time debating things, you know, is it right, is it wrong, or should I do this, should I do that. I mean, sometimes you should just jump in and take a shot." And not to be silly, but maybe that's true. I'm really starting to feel what Adam described...that accumulative feeling. It's all experiences that shape who you are. And I'm really afraid, but I think that maybe I can do it. I think the path ahead of me will be really difficult some times; maybe even most times, but...I have this hope that is so fucked up because it's so irrational. Even if it is foolish though, I'd rather have it. I'd rather be able to have that little bit of hope. Shawshank kind of sums it up for me: Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free.

Song of the Day:

"Rescued" by Jack's Mannequin

Two to one
Static to the sound of
You and I undone
For the last time
And there this was
Hiding at the bottom
Of your swimming pool
Some September
But don't you think
I wish that I could stay
Your lips give you away...

I can hear it
A jet engine
Through the center of the storm
And I'm thinking I'd
Prefer not be rescued...

Two to none
Roads that lead away from this
I'm following myself
Just this once
And I got spun
It appears you're spun as well
It happens when you pay attention
Or this could take all year...

But when it's quiet
Does she hear me?
A jettison to the center of the storm
And I'm thinking I'd prefer not to be rescued...

And oh I can feel her
She's dying just to keep me cool
And I'm finally numb
So please don't get me rescued...

Rescued...rescued...rescued.

And it's unclear
But this may be my last song
I can tell
She's raising hell
To give to me
She got me warm
So please don't get me rescued
And oh say you'll miss me
One last time
And I'll be strong
Whatever you do
Please don't get me rescued
'Cause I'm feeling likeI might need to be near you
And I feel alright
So please don't get me rescued